In Good Hands

I sat back in my seat with a cold diet coke for the second half of a flight home from Colorado. Brayden finally fell asleep after an hour of standing in his seat, smiling at ever pretty girl on the plane, and trying to grab our neighbor’s book. I settled in for one of my HGTV favorites, Property Brothers. At the reveal of a house remodel, the surprised homeowner confessed, “I don’t know why I was so nervous, I was in such good hands.”

Wow. Does God ever speak to you through TV? He did yesterday.

Yesterday, I confessed to Blake that when I struggle with fear, worry and control, I’m really believing that the Lord’s hands aren’t good. That is a lie from Satan. Since Brayden’s surgery, I’ve struggled with being a bit of a hypochondriac. When the 1 in 10,000 hits your family, when you walk down the hospital halls of sick kids, when you see kids comparing scars from brain tumor surgeries in the acupuncturist office…death and sickness feel so close. Yet the Lord says the beginning of wisdom is to number our days. God reminds me that I can’t add a day to my life by worrying.

So often, my feelings dictate my obedience. With just a temptation of fear or worry, I swerve from the narrow path of righteousness to a heart of control. In these moments, I remember that God is always good. As I thought about God’s consistent and trustworthy hands, I heard a song come up on my iTunes library, Your Hands, by JJ Heller: “I have unanswered prayers. I have trouble I wish wasn’t there. I have asked a thousand ways, for you to take my pain away. I am trying to understand, how to walk this weary land. Make straight the paths that crooked lie, Oh Lord, before these feet of mine. When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands.”

I read a great quote by CS Lewis in the Screwtape Letters that has really encouraged my heart… “Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon the universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

Living in the Unknown

Would you pray for baby Nora? Friends who are also facing the unknown with their baby girl. Love you all!

And She Lived Happily Ever After

Tyler and I were settled in the living room, Nora peacefully sleeping on her daddy’s chest. Nora’s toys and blankies were scattered about the floor. There was a pile of laundry in the corner and stack of papers on the coffee table before us. I was sitting quietly, locked deep in thought.

I looked at Tyler.

“Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Nora’s future.”

Tyler looked at me.

“I know Jess, we have a lot of unknowns right now.”

His reply was an echo of what we heard in the hospital a few weeks ago…

The Neurologist had stood over Nora’s ICU crib, our family and a few nurses huddled around the room. The neurologist had explained the spectrum of possibilities for Nora’s developmental future based on her brain structure…

“Worst case scenario, Nora is wheelchair bound, able to recognize faces, but unable to speak. Best…

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Fantastic News!

We wanted to share incredible news that Brayden had a normal/healthy bladder ultrasound on Wednesday! Praise God.

I started bawling in the doctor’s office in front of the doctor and two observing doctors from Egypt and Korea. 🙂

As my heart struggled with fear while we waited for the results, I opened my bible app and this is where I had left off in my reading: Isaiah 35:3-6. God is so patient with my unbelief.

“Strengthen the weak hands,

And make firm the feeble knees.

Say to those who are fearful-hearted,

“Be strong, do not fear!

Behold, your God will come with vengeance,

With the recompense of God;

He will come and save you.”

Then the eyes of the blind will be opened,

And the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.

Then the lame shall leap like a deer,

And the tongue of the dumb sing.

For the waters shall  burst forth in the wilderness,

And streams in the desert.

How exciting to think of my Aunt Millie leaping like a deer!! 🙂 She is now in heaven and free from her handicap body.

Yesterday I got to read a story to my niece Roxy’s 3rd grade class. What an honor! We read a story called, “I Have a Special Purpose” about a mouse with a shorter tail. After getting made fun of, he saves his little community from a mouse trap, as he is the only one who can jump over without his tail getting caught. We talked about how everyone is made differently for a special purpose and I showed the class Brayden’s scar. It was such a sweet moment.

We’ll visit our urologist again in 6 months, and then if they like those results again, we’ll go once a year. Thank you all for your support and prayers. We’re so thankful and blessed to have each one of you in our lives.

You can pray that God will continue to grow us as parents so we can raise Brayden to love and fear Him. Right now I am praying about growing in having a thankful and trusting heart.

 

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord

I was just reading in 2 Chronicles about King Asa, the grandson of Solomon. He relied on the Lord for victorious battles, removed many of the idolatrous practices of the time, and lead Judah and Benjamin in a recommitment to the Lord. Yet even after relying on the Lord for major victories, he still relied on his own flesh and strength at times. At one point, Israel came against Judah and he made a treaty with the King of Syria instead of turning to God. So God sent Hanani the seer to tell him, “Because you have relied on the king of Syria, and have not relied on the Lord your God, therefore the army of the king of Syria has escaped from your hand. Were the Ethiopians and the Lubim not a huge army with very many chariots and horsemen? Yet, because you relied on the Lord, he delivered them into your hand. For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him. In this you have done foolishly; therefore from now on you shall have wars.” (2 Chronicles 16:7-9) Instead of repenting, he threw Hanani into prison. How often do I try to bury the consequence or symptom, instead of repenting of the true problem? 

Later in Asa’s life, he became diseased in his feet, “yet in his disease he did not seek the Lord, but the physicians.” I am guilty of this. After such a grand victory of the Lord’s strength, it’s so easy for my human heart to turn back to my own strength. I grasp for the help of physicians, when I already have the greatest physician of all. It’s a daily choice to rely on the Lord’s strength. Often minute by minute in my mind to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. 

“Thus says the Lord:

Cursed is the man who trusts in man

And makes flesh his strength,

Whose heart departs from the Lord. 

For he shall be like a shrub in the desert, And shall not see when good comes,

But shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, In a salt land which is not inhabited.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,

And whose hope is in the Lord.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,

Which spread out its roots by the river,

And will not fear when heat comes;

But its leaf will be green,

And will not be anxious in the year of drought,

Nor will cease from yielding fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:5-8

What a beautiful contrast. Today I pray we can all choose to be the man who relies on the Lord. Lord give us the grace to turn to your strength and wisdom in all things. Love you all!

Unburned in the Fire

Daniel 3:14-30
Nebuchadnezzar answered and said to them, “Is it true, O Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the golden image that I have set up? Now if you are ready when you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, and every kind of music, to fall down and worship the image that I have made, well and good. But if you do not worship, you shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. And who is the god who will deliver you out of my hands?”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”
Then Nebuchadnezzar was filled with fury, and the expression of his face was changed against Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace heated seven times more than it was usually heated. And he ordered some of the mighty men of his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace. Then these men were bound in their cloaks, their tunics, their hats, and their other garments, and they were thrown into the burning fiery furnace. Because the king’s order was urgent and the furnace overheated, the flame of the fire killed those men who took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell bound into the burning fiery furnace.
Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished and rose up in haste. He declared to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” He answered and said, “But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods.”
Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the door of the burning fiery furnace; he declared, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here!” Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out from the fire. And the satraps, the prefects, the governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together and saw that the fire had not had any power over the bodies of those men. The hair of their heads was not singed, their cloaks were not harmed, and no smell of fire had come upon them. Nebuchadnezzar answered and said, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who has sent his angel and delivered his servants, who trusted in him, and set aside the king’s command, and yielded up their bodies rather than serve and worship any god except their own God. Therefore I make a decree:Any people, nation, or language that speaks anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego shall be torn limb from limb, and their houses laid in ruins, for there is no other god who is able to rescue in this way.” Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the province of Babylon.

I told a friend today how this has been the hardest trial of our lives, but somehow we feel unburned by the scorching heat. As I was sharing with her, I thought of this story. In the blazing fire, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walked untouched by the consuming flames. Not one hair was singed. They didn’t even smell of smoke. But more amazingly, God walked with them in the fire. In the hottest fire, a flame 7 times hotter than normal, Gods sheltering peace prevailed.

Now we have tasted and seen that The Lord is good. When the waters rise, we do not drown. When the heat rages, we are not consumed. When my heart fails within me, Gods gentle embrace renews my soul.

One of my other favorite parts about that verse is how they were thrown into the furnace bound. The only thing the fire burned were the ropes binding their hands. God is so good to burn away all that holds me back, ties me down, brings me shame. I walk out of the fire free from my chains of sin, past hurts and despair. Today I am more free. Free from the anxiety and worry that normaly plagues my heart. And when my heart fails again, I know God will continue to precisely burn away my brokenness in the refiners fire.

Also, Gods presence in our trials is a witness to others. King Nebuchadnezzar believed in the God of Shadrach, Mehach and Abednego when their seemingly foolish trust prevailed. We serve a mighty God who is worthy of our praise, trust and unwavering worship. In your trials, someone may be watching and believing.

Big Praise: We met with Dr. Muhonen today and he said Brayden is looking great!! Praise God!

Praise God From Who All Blessings Flow

Grandpa Earl getting some long awaited cuddles!!As I opened mail the other day, I noticed an envelope from our dentist. Instead of a bill, I found a check for $280 from overpayments from a year ago! Then I got an envelope from our doctor who delivered Brayden. (You get a lot of bills when you have a baby!) But this envelope felt different than their normal bills. It was heavier, thicker. I found a $1600 check for overpayments to their office! I cried. Almost $2000 in checks from our dentist and OB just as our first $1000 bill arrived! God sees and provides for our every need.

Your Will Father

When we came home from the hospital, I clipped my nails super short. Brayden had tested positive for MRSA colonization in his nose, which is common for the average person, but nonetheless something to approach with caution with such a large open wound. With how often we washed our hands to care for him or change his incision dressings, my nails seemed like a hot bed for germs. So off they went. Later that day, I tried to scratch my head and found no relief.

I looked down the other day and noticed a sliver of white on the tips of my nails. It’s the small things that make you feel normalcy returning like a slowly awakening dawn–walking into a Starbucks after 5 weeks of hibernation, putting on eye shadow, giving my sweet baby a real bath (no more cold sponge baths!), sending my devoted husband off to golf, sending a “yes” RSVP to a party, talking to someone at the grocery store who wants to say hello to our joyful Brayden.

It feels incredible to enjoy the simple pleasures. As much as 5 weeks of intentional isolation was difficult, it also felt special to band together as a family; to just have God and each other. Blake, Kelly & Brayden. The three musketeers. I’ll always look back on this time with fondness. During some of the darkest days, we felt the Lord carry us more tangibly than ever before. With an empty calendar, I connected with Blake in a deeper and more meaningful way. In the quiet, we bonded more deeply with Brayden, more easily learning his needs during the simplicity of our days. Sometimes when you have less, you have more.

Once I heard a Priscilla Shirer bible study where she talked about a pastor who spent half of his time in Africa and half of his time in America. He was astounded by the power and movement of the Holy Spirit in Africa, and the lack thereof in America. He would witness one miracle after another, then return home to astounding normalcy. He attributed Africa’s thriving spiritual awakening to their moment by moment reliance on the Lord. They hunger, they pray. I hunger, I walk to my overly full refrigerator. They’re sick, they pray. I’m sick, I call my doctor. God is providing in both circumstances, but in abundance it’s easy to forget that it is God who gives, feeds and heals. Priscilla noted how we pray to see God working, to witness His miracles. Then in the next sentence I cry, “But don’t put me in any uncomfortable, pressing situation where I need a miracle Lord!” Yet in God’s goodness, He gives what I need to be refined and prepared for His kingdom, according to His perfect will.

I’m slowly surrendering to the power of:

Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.

Home Sweet Home

We are back home after 2 long weeks! Blake and I feel excited to settle into our own bed and sad to leave the Yerkovich recovery center! What’s not to love about grandma, grandpa, laundry service, yummy meals, great company and lots of laughs. Blake said, “Did you know the neighbors are moving? We should buy their house and live next door!” I said, “You are in the top .01% of son-in-laws who feel that way.” What a blessing. We thanked my parents abundantly for diving into the trenches with us these past 2 weeks. We feel so blessed that going home is a relief and comfort. We realize that’s a blessing and gift.

We feel so humbled and grateful to have a healthy, happy baby at home. I can’t stop thinking of all the families that are still there…away from home, beeping heart machines, late night tears, hospital smells, cafeteria food (which actually wasn’t bad- Go CHOC!), hurting children, separated families. Today I took Brayden for a walk outside and showed him all the flowers. You miss the outdoors when you’re at a hospital (and we were there only 2 days!). I wonder how many kids miss the warm sunshine, the gentle breeze, fresh air and vibrant colors. I wonder how many kids won’t get to come home like Brayden did. As we drove to our first appointment with Dr. Muhonen, we exited the freeway and followed the “Children’s Hospital” signs. I cried. These two words just shouldn’t go together. 

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. My optimism, then, does not rest on the absence of evil, but on a glad belief in the preponderance of good and a willing effort always to cooperate with the good, that it may prevail.” – Helen Keller

One of my prayers and biggest fears going into this was that the pain would break Brayden’s cheerful spirit. As he smiled at me today, I thought, “I think he’s even happier than before.” Then I remembered my prayer. I thank God for his miraculous hand and outstretched arm that saves and preserves my sweet baby.

“The Lord bless you and keep you;

The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you;

The Lord lift up, His countenance upon you, And give you peace.”

Numbers 6:24-26

You Are The Hands & Feet of Jesus

So many people have supported us in such big ways: Groceries, meals, cleaning, prayer, sweet blog comments (we cherish then all), holding baby so mom and dad can sleep! Our hearts has been so touched by how our friends, family and even people we don’t know have truly helped carry this burden with us through their empathy and compassion. Feeling a friend cry with you brings healing to your soul.

Hebrews 13:3

Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body.

This verse has never felt more real to us. You have all walked as though you are in this trial with us. It’s so comforting.

We feel more excited to serve others now because we understand how much it can really mean to someone. I also feel a new conviction to follow through when I say, “I’ll pray for you.”

We have so many praises, including that we’re back in diaper mode! Woohoo! We got the okay to remove the surgical dressings, which left room to put on a diaper and tape the edges to his back with surgical tape. This means we can lay him down to sleep!! It’s amazing how much brighter the world feels after some good sleep! Thank you for showing us the hands and feet if Jesus. We love you.

Hebrews 13:16

Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.